mother dearest

I don't generally do personal posts, but this is something that is so important to me that I thought I'd share it with you all. Every day, but especially this Mother's Day weekend, remembering my mom who passed away two years ago from a rare form of cancer, nonHodgkins and Hodgkins Lymphoma. It went from 'pneumonia' in November to untreatable, terminal cancer in January, she passed away January 21st, 2009. This one goes out to my mom, a truly special woman.



Dear Mom,

I wish you could see me now. One more year of college, can you believe it? I really can't. It feels like just yesterday that you and Dad drove me down to Wake Forest and I had tears in my eyes as you waved goodbye.

So much has happened over the past two years. I know you're not really gone, but I still miss you. I miss your warm hugs, your hearty laugh and the way you nibbled Lay's chips in the nosiest, most annoying possible way. I miss the way you loved me. You were the most devoted, wonderful mother that anyone could ever ask for. I know that everyone probably says that about their moms, but for you, I know it's true. You woke up with me every single day to see me off to school in the morning. You would pack little notes in my lunch for me to find. You bragged about me to anyone who would listen (yes, they've all told me it's true! How embarrassing). You never missed a single field hockey game or PTA meeting or art exhibit. You helped me pick out my prom dress and I gabbed on about how I would make you my wedding planner. You let me wake you up in the middle of the night for weeks when I couldn't be by myself, before they diagnosed me with depression. You were always, always there.

It's been hard without you. I cried almost every day for at least a year. The grief was crippling, I felt like it would never leave me. And it turns out that it's impossible to ever fill that hole, but it does get smaller and hurt less over time. I think you would be so happy to see how close the family's gotten and to know the things I've been doing. I sold my very first painting to a soon-to-be college president! And I studied abroad in Spain like I always told you I wanted to. I had the time of my life. You wouldn't even believe how independent I am now. I can even read a map! I know, I know, we all thought it was impossible. And yes, I'm still directionally challenged. But hey, can I get partial props?

Your death hit us all like a freight train going 100 miles an hour. No one was expecting it, not even you. But, I have grown so much and am proud of who I have become. It was the picking myself up off the ground that has made me who I am today. I am more prepared to embrace the challenges in life and accept that they are inevitable. Even though I was angry and resentful for a long time, I still have so much faith in life. I may not be that perfectly happy go lucky, little girl you used to know; I am not so unshakably optimistic. But if anything, I have learned to love more and to soak up the now. You taught me that tomorrow is entirely uncertain. Don't hold back because life is a fleeting gift.

I love you so much. We think about you every day.

Love,
Your little girl